contrition letters

I – Nael

Let me start off by saying that I don’t like you.

I’m scared of you, yes, but I will fight you.

See at this moment I could cry enough tears to drown in. She fought through your floods and now you decide to sink her? See, Iachu wasn’t just another family member. She was a mother, and at times she was at home more than my actual mother. Putting her career on hold to take care of me while my parents couldn’t. I mean my parents wanted to provide, but in doing so they couldn’t be there, so she was here.

That day I swam without a care in the lush, calm waters of Belitung, and at that tender age of 5, I didn’t know of you at all. I wondered, oh yes, about everything. I wondered about peaceful lakes and flowing rivers, but never about floods and turmoil.

And so I let the water rush over me, treading like it was meant to be. She looked at me with a smile, she had never seen me so happy. When I was happy she was happy. And when I cried, oh she cried alright.

See what I hate the most about you is that you strike when we’re the most comfortable. That day I got to know you. falling slowly in an unsettling manner, I was so unaccustomed to the feeling that I had no idea how much hurt you meant.

You stared me in the eyes that day, and I swore that you would take me. I cried my eyes out, my tears only added to the waters that blinded me. but like Moses parting the waters, my guardian had come to the rescue. I woke up in Iachu’s arms and everything was alright. the storm had cleared, and for several years I had forgotten your dreadful eyes.

So ten years later, I see you staring Iachu in the eyes and I feel it’s intrinsic that as she had snatched me from your glare all those years ago, I should do the same. So I tried my best. I put in all my money into chemotherapy, whatever it would take to end the cancer that flooded her body. but you stayed in the same place and your stare only got stronger.

And as extemporaneous as it was, she drowned in your horrific actions. and now, as I cry, it feels as if you’ll take me too.

So to death, the grim reaper, satan, whoever you are. when you took her from me you took away everything. All I ask of you is that you take me too.

II – Death

Let me start off by saying I don’t like you too.

I don’t hate you, and frankly speaking I don’t feel like you do. See when you personify death you don’t really get a human being, you get a parasite. how ironic is that? Bringing death to life.

See a lot of people think death is the ultimate accumulation of all negativity but in reality I’m just a plane of nothingness. I didn’t want your aunt to die, but I didn’t want her to live either. I don’t choose who I want to take. The ocean doesn’t decide to produce violent tides, it just does. you see waves rise and fall and as humane you may think you are i know deep down that you’re sometimes happy that I am the way I am.

See this, I took Mandela, but I also took the perpetrators of apartheid. I took all those Jews murdered in Germany, but I also took Hitler.

I took your aunt, but someday I’ll also take you.

As unsettling as getting advice from death, the devil, hades, or whatever you may want to call me sounds, I want you to take something to heart. I’m no villain killing at will. I’m not a sporadic element of nature that has to occur either. I’m more like a vessel, a ship that has to be driven to kill.

People steer me to do the very thing you hate me for just as easily as I took your aunt.

And so could you.

III – Iachu

Let me start by saying that I love you. I love to see you happy and I love that I raised you to reflect that love. I remember when you were drowning in that ocean and I pulled you out and you never stopped being grateful. But I need you to know that you did the exact same for me, even more so.

See the first time I found out I had cancer I felt like my lungs had been filled to the brim with the floods of fear. I was barely breathing, and while I felt that way physically, I felt it even more so mentally.

My mind drowned at an even faster rate than my body. I drowned in my tears, over and over again, but then I realised something.

As I was there for you when you had drowned, you were there for me too. you were by my side, holding my hand, using all you could to keep my head above the surface.

And my emotions began to dissipate. The ocean faded into a quiet serenity, the storms in my heart cleared. My body continued to deteriorate further into the ocean but my head was above it all.

I want you to be happy. I want you to know that I died satisfied. See death can bring as much joy as it does pain. Because in those final 2 months of my life, I began to realise that things weren’t too bad after all. I realised the tremendous effort you all put in to slow the waves. I realised that love was powerful.

So if I can live knowing I’ll die and still be joyful, so can you. because we’ll all die and it’s not something we can avoid. I’m looking down on you now and while I am crying, a smile breaks through, just as rainbows replace rain. Because you have a heart of gold my son, and I know very well how strong you are. I know that with love, you will overcome


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