light

Everything was silent. Everyone was staring at me. At least that’s how I felt.

It’s a completely powerless feeling, anxiety. You probably don’t know how it feels. I sat down on that bus seat, in the crowded, rowdy bus bay, and suddenly I was engulfed by the darkness of depression. Everything was silent, everyone was staring at me. As crowded as it was, I had never felt more alone. My breathing doubled and sweat trickled down my neck. In my mind, I was begging for the sunlight which was piercing through the windows, and at that moment it wasn’t there. I hate darkness, I hate being lonely. I hate that feeling of helplessness. My feet tapped the ground relentlessly like a hammer trying to break a prison wall for that glimpse of light, my eyes trying so hard to search for the light.

And then I came to my senses. The light was seeping into the windows again. The loud chatter of students could be heard again. And they weren’t staring at me. I was sweating profusely, catching my breath. The only other student on the bus stared at me in utter confusion.

The horrific images of anxiety left my mind. The monsters had played with my mind, wrestled with my central nervous system, destroyed my emotional sanity. But they were gone now, and hopefully for longer than the break they gave me last time. It was a week since my last breakdown and I was thankful that this one wasn’t a full hour, thought it had felt like it.

“When the lights go out, and it’s my turn to settle down my main concern, promise that you will sing about me -”

And as the waves of darkness would absorb me once again into the depths of helplessness, I paused the music. I clenched my hands as I did every day, I closed my eyes and bowed my head. And I told God everything. I told him how lonely I felt. I told him how badly I wanted to leave the place, the people that made me feel this way. I begged of him to take away the emotional pains. To show me the light, to help me find a way past it.

And when I opened my eyes, it was dawn. The sun had risen. My breathing was normal again, my sweat was gone. The people were gone, the fears had alleviated. The bus was moving, towards the light.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I might be okay.

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